So it's been I don't know how long since I've posted anything here. What an exhausting summer we had here. I say exhausting, but we sure did have a good time getting there.
As usual, I over scheduled our lives. We made it, but we were pretty busy in it.
So this morning as I was making the drive home from dropping my little man off at preschool I just
took a deep breath. I keep trying to remind myself, that our life isn't about filling it up with things to do, but enjoying the time we have with each other. I'm seeing just how precious time is as I look at my little man and see how much he has grown up just this summer. Yeah, that boundary testing he's been doing hasn't been the most fun, but it just means he's trying to figure things out. Trying to see where he fits in and what the rules are. Isn't that what I'm always doing though? Pushing the boundaries that God has set for me, only to realize later that they were set for a reason.
There's something that's been on my heart all summer to share with you guys. I've wanted to write about it all summer, but had no clue how to even put the words together. But,
I know that someone out that is dealing with the same thing. After sharing with a few of my friends, I'm learning that I'm definitely not alone in this either.
Since we had a our little man back in 2007, we had a plan to grow our family. We wanted to focus on him only for that first year and then begin growing. Little did we know that almost four years later we would still be trying to do that. For years, doctors were just prescribing me the typical fertility drugs to get my cycles going so that I could get pregnant without every trying to find out the underlying issue. That was not until we moved to a new city and began the process all over again with a new doctor, who by the way is pretty awesome. She took one look at my and told me that I had
PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome). I thought, okay we can work with this. Yeah, it was
a little heart breaking to hear, but I had an answer that no else had been able to give me. Tons of blood work later I learned that I also had a under-active (hypo) thyroid. The two together don't really give me much of a chance. This is where it all started to become real to me.
Our dream of a large family may not be what God has planned for us.
It's now been almost a year since that diagnosis and many doctor's visits, tests and lifestyle changes. We still have no baby, but I do have a thyroid that under control, and a hope that God is going to answer mine and my man's prayers for another child.
I think my desire to share this stems from the fact that I have dealt with a lot of guilt over asking for another child, especially when I have been given a healthy little boy. I have felt and still at time feel selfish for asking and praying for another child. It wasn't until I read somewhere recently that if I didn't deal with infertility and wanted another child; could have another child, it wouldn't be selfish. I've prayed and prayed that if this isn't God's will that he would just shut the door on this part of our life and give me peace about this.
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| Yes...that is little man photo bombing me. |
Yeah, this summer was busy, but I spent it with my precious family that God has blessed me with. I've got the days were I struggle with my desire for more. I think that's normal.
But I keep trying to remind myself to enjoy what I've been given and not to dwell on what I haven't got. There's no value in the things we don't have, but what we do have is a treasure. I guess what I'm trying to say is that God desires for us to confide in him, to ask him for help, because Lord knows I cannot do any of this on my own. Even when you feel like your desires may be selfish or guilt ridden, take these to him. He has a plan for all of this. I just can't wait to see it all unfold.
“Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and
it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and he who
seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened. Or what man is
there among you who, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone?
Or if he asks for a fish, will he give him a serpent? If you then, being
evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will
your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask Him!” Matthew 7:7-11
