There's something that's been on my heart all summer to share with you guys. I've wanted to write about it all summer, but had no clue how to even put the words together. But, I know that someone out that is dealing with the same thing. After sharing with a few of my friends, I'm learning that I'm definitely not alone in this either.
Since we had a our little man back in 2007, we had a plan to grow our family. We wanted to focus on him only for that first year and then begin growing. Little did we know that almost four years later we would still be trying to do that. For years, doctors were just prescribing me the typical fertility drugs to get my cycles going so that I could get pregnant without every trying to find out the underlying issue. That was not until we moved to a new city and began the process all over again with a new doctor, who by the way is pretty awesome. She took one look at my and told me that I had PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome). I thought, okay we can work with this. Yeah, it was a little heart breaking to hear, but I had an answer that no else had been able to give me. Tons of blood work later I learned that I also had a under-active (hypo) thyroid. The two together don't really give me much of a chance. This is where it all started to become real to me. Our dream of a large family may not be what God has planned for us.
It's now been almost a year since that diagnosis and many doctor's visits, tests and lifestyle changes. We still have no baby, but I do have a thyroid that under control, and a hope that God is going to answer mine and my man's prayers for another child.
I think my desire to share this stems from the fact that I have dealt with a lot of guilt over asking for another child, especially when I have been given a healthy little boy. I have felt and still at time feel selfish for asking and praying for another child. It wasn't until I read somewhere recently that if I didn't deal with infertility and wanted another child; could have another child, it wouldn't be selfish. I've prayed and prayed that if this isn't God's will that he would just shut the door on this part of our life and give me peace about this.
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| Yes...that is little man photo bombing me. |
Yeah, this summer was busy, but I spent it with my precious family that God has blessed me with. I've got the days were I struggle with my desire for more. I think that's normal. But I keep trying to remind myself to enjoy what I've been given and not to dwell on what I haven't got. There's no value in the things we don't have, but what we do have is a treasure. I guess what I'm trying to say is that God desires for us to confide in him, to ask him for help, because Lord knows I cannot do any of this on my own. Even when you feel like your desires may be selfish or guilt ridden, take these to him. He has a plan for all of this. I just can't wait to see it all unfold.
“Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened. Or what man is there among you who, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will he give him a serpent? If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask Him!” Matthew 7:7-11
Love this post! What courage you have to post your deepest struggles for others to relate. I know there will be women out there that will read this and be encouraged.
ReplyDeleteAmber, this is a pretty amazing post.
ReplyDeleteFirst, because you were verbally honest with yourself. Women/Moms have a crazy, overactive mind that is constantly going a mile a minute, and we often don't really listen to it. While you have thought much of this before, taking the time to spell it all out is not only getting it off your chest, but being honest with your heart and learning more about yourself. We all have those things that we mull around in our heads, but rarely take the time to acknowledge.
Being a Mom, I can totally relate to the need to recognize that time is a precious gift from God, and our little ones are literally growing up right before our eyes. Whether it's the desire to grow your family, or the desire to enjoy more individual time with our kids, or the desire to have more "me time" and less constant mommy'ing, every mom has challenges and struggles that we need to rely on God more for. Being honest with myself about leaving my job to stay at home with the kids, I often wish I had more of a life outside of constant mommy'ing...that I had a hobby or job that was more of an exciting profession, or that tapped into my creative side more, or even more...allowed me to have more time with my husband - just us two, to get away and enjoy the bond that brought us together in the first place. I love my kids more than I could ever realize...but I often find that I seldom get the time away to appreciate the blessings I have been given.
Being honest with ourselves is so hard....but by doing that, we can begin to put our stresses aside, and see what God's plan for us really is. I admire your honesty in this post. I appreciate your reminder to take a break from the busy schedule to just take a breath and enjoy the life God has given us.
The boundary-testing, photo bombing, fun loving blessings that we have been given (no matter the number) are a special gift from God. As Moms, we face so many different challenges than we take the time to acknowledge. Thank you for the reminder that I need to take the time to acknowledge these challenges and stresses in my life, so that I may be a better wife and mom to my own family. Your post spoke to my heart ... and it was much needed.
Valerie
I'm sorry I never got back to you on Facebook when you asked me about what we did to get help with my infertility issues! You are a brave woman to be so honest online. I have P.C.O.S., a unicornuate uterus, and 1 ovary. I've never had my thyroid tested but it wouldn't surprise me if I have some kind of issue because both of my parents had to be medicated for under-active thyroids. We experienced a miscarriage with our first (Jeremiah)and I thought I'd NEVER be able to carry a child to full-term. However, as you know, the Lord blessed us with two amazing girls. Even though we have two healthy girls, God hasn't taken away my desire to have more children. And until he does, I'm going to keep on trying. I believe that God will take that desire from me if He feels it's necessary. I don't think God would torture us with unnecessary desires - especially if we are seeking Him and what He wants for us. If you feel like your desire to have more kids is truly from God then don't let it fade just because of what the doctors are telling you. Only God knows you and what your body is capable of doing. Please call me if you want to talk...I really don't mind :)
ReplyDeleteLindsey